Loves Alchemy
by Spykester
Summary: Some people have never known love...HP/DM slash.
1. Default Chapter

Loves Alchemy 

Disclaimer: Characters property of J.K. Rowling. Story by me. Poetry by John Donne. Harassment by the FBI. 

A/N: Hmm, I seem to be into writing stories around poems. I've been studying John Donne for a while now and when I read over _Loves Alchemy_, something clicked. There will be a companion piece written around _Loves Growth_ pretty soon. 

Summery: Some people have never been shown love...HP/DM slash. 

Rating: R – deal with it. 

_I have lov'd, and got and told,_

_But should I love, get, tell, till I were old. _

_I should not find that hidden mystery _

_Oh, 'tis imposture all._

**_Loves Alchemy ~ John Donne._**

I have never really felt like I was truly cherished, loved. My earliest memories are of being made to feel like some terrible intruder in my aunt and uncle's home. That there was something terribly wrong with me, or that I had somehow done something to make them feel such hatred towards me. 

It took a long time for me to realise it was they who had the problem. 

I became angrier with them, but even so I was often troubled by a horrible thought – what if my parents had never loved me either? 

Of course, I would find out they did – more than I could ever have conceived. Hard as I try though I can never recall them or the feeling of their devotion to me. 

I shift with sudden impatience. _Where is he?_ The ever-punctual Draco was late and it was making me really angry. It was the one thing that ever made me feel truly alive – sex with my worst enemy, another one of life's cruel jokes played on its saviour, Harry Potter. 

Neither of us has experienced real love, only abuse. His was never physical, it was emotional – he has always been denied love and even true friendship. His two thuggish friends only serve to make him feel safe and also to prove to the curious that Neanderthal man is very much alive and well. His words, not mine. 

All the people who have ever loved me seem to leave, and it feels so much like a punishment for a crime I still obviously am unaware I committed. I don't love Draco and he doesn't love me – true love is what everyone seeks but it seems neither of us are destined to experience it. 

Oh wait, here he is... 

"Sorry I'm late," He whispered, padding across the scarlet carpet, scowling at this flagrant show of Gryffindor pride in the decorations of the room. "Hope you weren't forced to erm..._do_ anything in my absence." 

"No. I don't look forward to you that much," I sneered back. 

"Liar." 

He sneaks behind the hangings and whispers something (a silencing charm) and then takes off his robes. He wears nothing underneath, and despite my attempts to adamantly conceal my lust for his beauty, my breath noticeably quickens, and I feel stirrings of arousal. He laughs at this, obviously enjoying his control and he lays down and bites my neck in just the right place, just to prolong my torture. 

He knows my every reaction, whimper, moan, so intimately. And to make love to him is the best feeling in the entire world. My whole body is on fire, and I finally and truly feel _alive_. 

It's not long before we are moving fervently with such need that out grinding hips will assuredly cause bruises. But that doesn't matter, nothing matters. 

He screams in pure ecstasy, and it doesn't take me long to join him. We even call each other by our first names, something that never happens outside of our joining. 

But we never say 'I love you.' It's not love, it's lust and need, and they are entirely different from love and desire. 

We like what we have, therefore we will keep meeting and fucking and leaving and then doing this all over again. 

Because we'll never know love. 

Only how to feel. 

And that's fine by me. 

~The End – For Now.


	2. Loves Growth

Loves Growth 

**Disclaimer:** Characters property of J.K. Rowling. Story by me. Poetry by John Donne. Harassment by the FBI. 

**A/N:** I was planning to have this be the last part of this collection, but I decided it really should have some closure so there will be one more part called _The Ecstasy_. 

**Summery:** Some people have never known love…but what happens when they find it? 

**Rating:** R – deal with it. 

_My love was infinite, if Spring make it more. _

_But if this medicine, love, which cures all sorrow _

_With more."_****

Loves Growth ~ John Donne****

This wasn't meant to happen. I thought the lack of any real love in my life had ensured that I was never meant to experience it – how could you love someone without knowing it for yourself? 

Oh, how wrong I was. 

When we started meeting, it was because it helped us both to feel _something_, truly alive, by...well, forgive my lack of refinement, fucking. 

I never intended to fall in love with him, my hated enemy, and the one I not just lust for and need but now also greatly _desire_. 

Draco Malfoy. 

He doesn't know of this and I hope he never does. That he never knows how much I think of him...of us even having a future (an utter impossibility). 

But in a way, this all makes a twisted sense – when our ritual of meeting in secret, fucking and leaving first began I thought it another one of life's cruel jokes. I was very wrong there – this is the joke; I have finally found myself able of love, what I have always believed myself to be forever denied. 

And look whom it is I've suddenly but badly fallen for – Malfoy. We both felt we'd never love and I know he at least will adhere but I? 

I have proven myself too weak. I've already fallen too far, to the point of no return to the icy detachment I once had when we were together. 

I've fallen all right. 

And it's killing me. 

~*~*~*~*~ 

I stare at myself in the mirror – I'm beautiful and I know it. It is this assured knowledge that has most informed my actions. Well that and my general hatred for the world and, at one time, Harry Potter. 

But then we, how shall I put it? Reached an _understanding_. He has suffered such pain that even a cold as artic frost individual such as myself can feel a degree of sympathy for him. 

Our common ground was fierce lust. To be able to dominate Potter in such an intimate way was a high above all else – perhaps the ultimate high. 

But now...things have changed and I wish none of this had ever come to be. 

Because that one feeling I have never truly been shown nor ever thought I was capable of feeling for another has assaulted me – fully and without any prior warning. 

I've fallen in love. 

And it's killing me. 

~*~*~*~*~ 

_But mixt all stuffs, paining soul or sense. _

_Love's not so pure, and abstract._

**_Loves Growth._**

~The End – For Now. 


	3. The Ecstasy

The Ecstasy 

**Disclaimer: **Characters and places owned by J.K. Rowling. Story by me. Harassment by the FBI. 

**Author's Note:** The last in this trilogy. It was meant to be happy but I changed my mind...Please don't beat me to death with Bludgers! 

**Summery:** Some people have never known love...but when they do, how do they cope? 

**Rating:** R – slash, don't read if you don't like yadda yadda. 

_We like sepulchral statues lay; _

_All day, the same our postures were, _

_And we said nothing, all the day. _

_If any so by love refin'd _

The Ecstasy ~ John Donne 

When I heard the news of your fate, I simply could not allow myself to believe that it was true. I felt like shutting my eyes, ramming my fists over my ears and screaming a litany of futile denial over and over again. 

However, I did not. I could not, the coldness I had cultivated remained still frozen over my countenance, although inside I burned. 

Nobody knew, nobody saw, why would they? We were enemies and as far as all the other students and teachers alike were aware, that had never changed. 

But it had, my love, it had. 

Sometimes I feel angry, because you _promised _you would come back...and there was something you wanted to tell me, wasn't there Harry? I can now only guess what that was. 

I sit on my bed, with it's deep forest green covers (so very like your beautiful eyes) and I close my own eyes and remember... 

_"So...Voldemort's storming the castle?" I asked, trying to seem unconcerned, even mocking, but my insides were in knots. I hadn't yet told you, and we had not met at night again for a while now. Something was definitely different, I couldn't put my finger on what it was then but it seemed to be driving us apart. _

"Yeah, it seems so," You replied, trying to seem bold and brave as always, but there was a definite tremble in your voice and I longed to put my arms around you in comfort. I mentally rolled my eyes at myself. 

I had never expected nor wanted to fall in love and this was partially why. Such nauseating gestures were and empty and useless in my estimation. Just more proof that you were always stronger than I...you had never seemed after all to have fallen in love with me and thus ruined our pact against that happening...Harry Potter would never have been that stupid or so I assumed. 

_"And as usual, you will be the one stopping him. Potter, have you ever thought of telling Dumbledore to get stuffed and sort Voldemort out for himself?" I asked, attempting to lighten the broody atmosphere with a dose of good old gallows humour. _

_"Can't say that I have Malfoy, but if you're offering to do it for me, you're welcome." We both laughed, but it sounded every bit as forced as it really was. _

Most of the school was leaving and I would be amongst them, I simply was not a fighting person and till the end of my days I will hate myself for my cowardice. 

_"I better get back to my dormitory and get ready to go," I muttered reluctantly. You grasped my arm and murmured, "Don't I get a goodbye kiss?" You pouted at the end, knowing I could not possibly resist that. I practically pounced on you, not caring if someone would come in and discover us. Secrecy no longer mattered... Why would it when it seemed so close to the end of the world? _

It hadn't been the end of the world in the strictest sense. Just the end of my world. 

I'd felt it too, a horrible pain had ripped through me, tracking from one side of my body to the other like a white hot needle threading in and out as it went. 

I screamed and the other students at the safe house with me stared at me in horror. The Astronomy teacher, one of the few who came with us, Professor Sinistra knelt down beside me, asked what was wrong. 

"All I could whimper was, "Potter." 

You managed to finally kill Voldemort all right Harry. 

And he killed you right back. 

What exactly you were going to tell me haunts me even now, just like your memory haunts me day and night still. I feel constantly run down and tired these days and my appearance shows it. I look grey and washed out, scattered and abandoned is my former vanity but perhaps I am better off for that at least. Now I no longer have to pander to what my father wanted me to look like since he's dead and gone and my mother...well, she's far to obsessed with her own appearance to care about mine. 

I am certainly not the same boy who walked these halls seven years ago for the first time and I will walk them no more after today. It's our graduation and Professor Dumbledore (who miraculously did survive) has arranged some lavish party for us all that I'll have to pretend to enjoy. And the actual ceremony will undoubtedly contain a mention of you. 

Were you going to tell me you love me? 

I turn with a heavy heart on what should be a joyous day and walk out of my room, out of the dungeons and into the main school. I pass your former friends Granger and Weasley. I pretend I don't see them. 

And I wonder... 

We should never have found love, we were never meant too after all. 

It played us both for fools. 

I step out of the castle and into the sunlight and join the rest of the seventh years milling around on the lawn. 

I love you Harry. 

Did you love me too? 

My Ecstasy, my purity... 

My undoing. 

~Finis 


End file.
